“Fresh Fish!”

Janet and I went to dinner tonight at a local seafood restaurant. This is not unusual in the Northwest, where seafood is king but it was sort of a last minute decision and it went like all restaurant decisions between us.

Me: Why don’t we go out to dinner? Where should we go?

Janet: Wherever the husband wants to go.

Me: (made a couple suggestions – got a couple crinkled noses). We ended up going where the wife wanted to go.

Who said Filipina wives are different from American wives 🙂

We’re talking at the table waiting for our order to arrive. Janet remarked for the hundredth time in our marriage that she misses fresh fish. It took me at least a year of marriage to release that her notion of fresh fish is slightly different from my American notion, which usually includes the image of the Gortens Fisherman. OK, I’ll admit the image above is David Letterman, pretending to be the Gortens Fisherman, but that’s just as accurate.

Janet’s notion of fresh fish is pretty odd; you meet the fisherman at the boat and buy fish that are still flopping around. Or you meet the fisherman on the beach where he has just docked his boat. Or, better yet, your dad catches the fish in the ocean and brings it home. Or best still, you catch the fish and keep the best parts for yourself. As I say, Filipino notions of fresh are pretty odd.

In America our notion of fresh fish is that I see fish in the supermarket lying on ice and it looks yummy. I believe it’s fresh because, like Mulder in the X-Files, “I want to believe.” But of course in reality, the supermarket’s fish lady, who looks neither like the Gortens Fisherman or David Letterman, opens up a box of frozen fish, thaws the suckers out (none of them are flopping) and throws them on the ice. The ice is the most authentic part of the presentation.

Growing up, my notion of fresh fish came from the Three Stooges. It’s less of a con than that supermarket presentation.

As an old fart, I began telling Janet what it was like when I was a kid growing up. We went to the Butcher Shop, the Bakery, the Fish Shop, etc. Janet’s eyes grew larger recognizing that the America I grew up in was not that different from the Philippines she grew up in – well except for the 50 years difference.

Of course once supermarkets began to grab hold, there was no turning back. My mother still got her lunchmeats and bagels at “the kosher deli” but the supermarket was impossible to resist for anything else.

Now Janet works in a supermarket and she began telling me how it really works, which is basically that nearly everything in your American supermarket got there frozen. For all I know the Scott Toilet Paper came off the truck frozen and was dethawed before it could hit my white shiny loboot.
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This got me to thinking. Just as my mother went the way of supermarkets 50 years ago, we now of course use them for the convenience. But unlike her generation, that understood that supermarkets were only convenient and cheap, we’ve actually come to believe that the product is better.

After all, unless you’ve watched a Rocky movie lately, you’ve never watched the butcher carve a side of beef. Unless you’ve watched some gross documentary on Tyson’s, you don’t know or wanna know how chickens are raised or killed. BTW, you do realize that most animals poop a lot and rarely know which bathroom to use.

I hear guys all the time (myself included) express shock at Philippines wet markets. The meats and fish bake in the heat, there are flies all around, and hell, the vendors don’t always look all that sanitary. In short, it ain’t the Walmart produce section.

“Don’t worry about the flies – we won’t weigh them.”

We in the West have convinced ourselves that animals and produce come from sanitary environments without flies, or at least the flies have been sprayed to death by the latest organic pesticide.

So, we’ve taken the natural experience of a fish caught, sold and consumed immediately, perverted it with a chunk of ice, and convinced ourselves it’s better for us – that is it would be better if those darn corporations would stop providing us with tasty GMOs in our sanitary food. And then, if we’re rich kanos, we spend twice as much for products labeled organic or natural, meaning they’re grown or raised like they use to be when I was a kid and often still are in the 3rd world.

Of course when Janet and I move to the Philippines I am sure that I will still be put off by the flies in the wet market. I will just choose to remember my favorite line from the Firesign Theatre describing the Giant Toad Supermarket: “Don’t worry about the flies – we won’t weigh them.”

 

 

 

 

 

Why I’d Vote for Duterte over Trump or Clinton

I don’t really intend for this posting to be about politics but that never has stopped me from creating a controversial or fun title.

That being said, I do like new Philippines President, Rodrigo Duterte. I must like him: I spent a good chunk of yesterday listening to his 90 minute State of the Nation address and half of it was in Tagalog; I know no Tagalog, but he’s funnier in Tagalog than in English so I listened to that part as well. My wife upon hearing I’d listened to the entire speech was suitably impressed and usually good things come from impressing Janet 🙂

I must admit that even though I am a big Bernie Sanders supporter, I doubt I have ever spent 90 uninterrupted minutes listening to him. And there is no amount you could pay me to get me to listen to 90 minutes of Trump or Clinton. That would be a punishment worse than death!

I’ll get more into Duterte later, but what I really wanted to talk about is my upcoming retirement, move to the Philippines and one more reason why I want to move. I posted quite a while back some of the reasons for moving abroad. As with most expats the reasons include: sun, sand, cost of living, my wife and her family, adventure, travel, etc.

But there’s one other. I live in a country that’s one sick puppy and I’m tired of it. Let’s start with all the shootings. I get it; America’s a gun totin’ culture and has been since it’s inception. And I’m no dope; where there’s guns there will be shootings. Nor am I scared. While cautious I will go anywhere I like without fear.

So why then does this bother me? Friends have said, “there’s lots of crime in the Philippines. Doesn’t that worry you?” Nope. If I get shot during a robbery in the Philippines, at least I understand the reason – somebody wanted a little foreigner cash. If somebody gets shot by a jealous wife, I get that too. And BTW, I’ve already let Janet know that we will not have a gun in the Philippines, since I think I would be the one it might get used on lol.

But there is no comprehensible reason for the shootings here – and that bothers me more.

——————————————

Getting back to Duterte; when he talks about shooting drug lords and dealers – at least I get that. Not everybody’s gonna agree about that over the top solution but it’s an understandable answer to a very big problem in the Philippines. In the US we have a catastrophic mental health crisis and our solution is to dispense drugs and guns with equal ease – wonderful.

Janet tells me that most of the people she works with are on some sort of mental health medication and while I suppose that it is a good thing that people who need it can get it, it’s appalling that apparently everyone needs it!

Go to the Philippines and people aren’t taking anti-depressants; they’re taking shabu and getting shot by the police, as approved by President Duterte. But again, at least I get that.

In short, while in many ways I still love my country and the city I live in, in many other ways I am alienated from a fundamentally unhappy culture and feel compelled to leave it.

——————————————

OK, now back to politics:

We were in the Philippines in April and I was shocked at the amount of rabid pro-Duterte people I ran into. Taxi drivers were asking me about what I thought of Duterte. Apparently as an American I am considered more politically astute. I mustered up what little Visayan I could manage and said, “Duterte maayo.” I am sure I swayed more than a few votes with my profound words.

I mustered up what little Visayan I could manage and said, “Duterte maayo.” I am sure I swayed more than a few votes with my profound words.

But seriously, Filipinos were genuinely excited about the change in leadership they were hoping for and still seem excited about what they have gotten.

Duterte is what we used to call in the West a “strongman.” Not a dictator, but not a guy who’s gonna wait for the congress to approve everything. In fact, he spent part of his State of the Nation speech asking to be given more power and my guess is he’s gonna get it.

While “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” (see Trump and Clinton) sometimes in the right hands it can be wielded effectively. For example, as Mayor of Davao, Duterte initiated the 1st 911 emergency system in the Philippines. Now he’s been in office as President less than a month and is initiating 911 for the entire country – and doing it now! Imagine how long an American President, with our pesky Congress and laws would take to get something like this done.
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And once Duterte was elected, with his well known position on drug lords and dealers (said position being horizontal and six feet under), drug dealers and users began spontaneously turning themselves into the police. So far, thousands have come forward throughout the country, confessing their past sins, agreeing not to do it again, and oh yes, “please don’t shoot me.”

And BTW, for those critics who cry that “human rights” are being violated, during his speech the President had this to say.

So after that bit of excitement let me swing back to my upcoming retirement. One of the things you have to do when you prepare to retire and move is to downsize big time. The decisions on what to keep actually became quite easy. If we’re not planning to send something to the Philippines, we have to either sell it, donate it or trash it; no other options. Thus Janet and I planned a large garage sale which we held a few weeks ago. We collected all our junk in the living room, preparing for the day when we hoped it would all go flying out of our lives. We posted an Event on Facebook. Janet put up flyers. And Dave became for at least two days a big time wheeler-dealer.

We easily disposed of 3/4 of our junk and will donate the rest. Hell, we even made a few bucks (more than a few really) which I put into our “Get out of Dodge fund.” Of course one Filipina friend, not quite comprehending our goal, told other friends that poor Dave and Janet must need money.

Next spring the furniture will go, Balikbayan boxes will get shipped, the house will go on the blocks, and then it will all become very very real.

In the meantime, here’s one more snipet from Duterte, my soon-to-be President. Here’s how he preps for the SONA speech. Can’t help it – I like this guy!

https://youtu.be/BaG5aOb07Jw

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Nose Blowing Controversy

First let me state what I hear about on almost  a daily basis. Expats who live in the Philippines or guys in the U.S. married to Filipinas are often surprised, put off or flat out grossed out by what they consider rude or unusual behavior by Filipinos. Perhaps the most common complaint is how many men in the Philippines, finding themselves a bit bathroom-challenged, will use the side of the road for a pit stop. Second might be the singing of karaoke at all hours of the night.

I usually fall back on the “it’s a different culture” argument and figure that you can either adjust or not. I’m a flexible kind of guy and figure I can adjust. That and the fact that the bathrooms at my job and the bathroom habits of my co-workers are not necessarily any more sanitary than the side of the road! I mean if it’s good enough for Clemenza, worried about his cannoli, it’s good enough for me:

https://youtu.be/yQ9cPCOgAz8

But my point is that this cultural grossness works both ways. Janet and I like to go out to dinner once or twice a week. It’s just a nice break. We have a favorite Italian place that I’ve been going to for 40 years; standard neighborhood decor that hasn’t changed in all that time; fortunately neither has the food. Plus it’s cheap!

While we like the place and love the food, invariably there are some rather large patrons who have consumed the pasta and cannoli a bit too often. You know – the Clemenza types. Three years she has lived here but Janet is still stunned at such a view. The woman at the table next to us had a loboot twice as wide as her chair and I knew that Janet would notice. No doubt we both silently wondered whether the old chair might give way.

But it was her husband that grossed out Janet and ruined her dinner. Grabbing a napkin he blew his nose – loudly. As the old joke goes, “at least his horn still worked.” Janet wrinkled her nose and made one of those ‘I cannot eat with such grossness’ faces. Nothing stops me from eating those yummy meatballs so I ignored it.

Five minutes later the guy blew his horn again and Janet lost it. “Can’t we complain to the manager?”

“Why?”

“It’s rude. In the Philippines the manager would ask him to use the bathroom.”

While I agreed that it was a little off-putting I told Janet, “In the U.S. it’s accepted and no way is the manager gonna make him use the bathroom. I mean he did use a napkin, right?”

“I don’t care. You should not be doing that at the table for everyone to hear.”

“His family doesn’t seem to mind.”
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“But its ruined my dinner.”

Janet proceeded to repeat why such behavior would be socially unacceptable in the Philippines. “My mother would have sent you away from the table.”

“Your mother’s tough,” I said making a mental note to never make a sound at my inlaws table. I don’t want to miss out on the adobo.

Janet and I weren’t exactly arguing but she was intransigent; the behavior was inappropriate and would ruin any civilized person’s meal; as an uncivilized person I was trying to enjoy my meatballs.

As it is, I try very hard to ignore my fellow Americans when at restaurants. If they aren’t 400 pounds or blowing their nose, they are talking politics or bragging about their last gun acquisition. I would much rather enjoy my spaghetti and cute wife.

But in this case my dinner was ruined not by the guy’s habits but by Janet’s laugh out loud impression of his honking.

“OK, now my meal is ruined too!”

“You see!” she said triumphantly.

Of course I still finished every bite.

 

 

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Stress and the Filipina

It’s June 1st. May has just ended and none too soon. It was one of the most stressful months in recent memory.  And stress is the subject of today’s post.

Janet and I arrived back in town  from our wonderful trip to the Philippines at the end of April to discover that my employer had decided that despite the tens of billions of dollars in profit they earn, that 11% of the staff had to go. We had arrived Sunday night and I intended to sleep in and do some work from home when I awoke Monday afternoon. But instead I went to work bright and early to see if I still had a job.

My friend Jim messaged me via Facebook at about 6AM to say he had just received an email and wondered if I had; I hadn’t. Throughout the day and the rest of the week, the bodies began to pile up. Of course since I work for a high tech company, they can’t simply pull a Trump and say, “you’re fired!” They developed multiple categories: involuntary separations (get out – now), voluntary separations (here’s some money – now get out), and my favorite, enhanced retirement (you’re old – here’s a bunch of money – now wheel yourself out).

For the entire month everyone walked around with that look like they envied the dead. And yet I survived, at least for now. I have been joking that by the time the actions are over I will be the oldest person working there. It is no longer a joke.

But wait a minute, you ask, what does this have to do with Filipinas or even my wife, Janet. Patience, grasshopper.

Each day I would come home more beat up, worried and stressed than the last. And each day Janet would say, “Don’t worry – we’re fine. If you lose your job we will just retire now instead of next year.”

Last Thursday was the topper to my wonderful month. I was driving home from work on the freeway at 60 MPH. The modern tire air pressure warning system told me that my tire needed air. “Nice,” I thought. “When I get home I’ll add some air. What a great feature in these modern cars!” I thought that about 30 seconds before the tire decompressed – on the freeway – at 60 MPH.

As if it was something I did every day, I somehow pulled the car off to the shoulder and called roadside assistance. The tow truck arrived. I stood 100 feet behind my car, directing cars whizzing by at 70 away from us so that the tow truck operator didn’t get – you know – run over! It was actually kind of fun. It never occurred to me how lucky I was to survive the blowout. Nor did it occur to me that I was an idiot for directing freeway traffic. After all, it was a lot more exciting than work.

But the next day when I called the dealer and was told the price of the new tire, I lost it. “The tire’s a year and a half old. It has a warranty, right?”

“Yes sir, but that only covers manufacturer defects.”

‘What the hell would you call this? The thing blew at 60 MPH!”

“The tire was slashed. You must have run over something.”

“I didn’t run over anything. I was just driving on the freeway. I’m lucky to be alive.” I threw that in just to bring out some guilt; it didn’t work.

You need to make sure cheap viagra price that whichever medicine you choose, should contain Sildenafil citrate inside it. There have order cialis professional been no side effects. Their personal and psychological wellbeing has been greatly hampered due to erectile dysfunction. generic sildenafil 100mg This makes the enjoyment long lasting purchase levitra online appalachianmagazine.com and confident in time of making love. The guy repeated the price. “What is it – a Pirelli?” I yelled. “Last time I checked I drive a Ford.”

“Well that price includes $120 for the sensor?”

“The sensor? You mean the sensor that gave me a 30 second warning that the tire was going to blow?”

“Yes sir.”

And when I told Janet about what happened and the expense just at a time when I might lose my job she just shrugged one of those ‘what else can you do’ sort of shrugs. She hugged me and again told me not to worry.

And it struck me that she was truly being honest in her assessment. She genuinely did not seem worried. Unlike us Americans she chooses not to worry about things she cannot control.

It’s a quality I have seen and admired in the Philippines; a ‘life is short, enjoy it now’ type of quality. It’s also a quality that some expats living in the Philippines do not admire. It drives them crazy to see people smiling despite their circumstances, despite their poverty, despite scams and corruption, and even despite slow service at Jolibees.

So bottom line is that my 28 year old wife is wiser and more mature than her geriatric husband. Like most Western men, I worry and stress. When I was younger I needed stress; it seemed like I couldn’t get going without stress. But now as old age approaches I don’t like stress.

And unlike most of my peers I am not much capable of alleviating stress through drinking. Oh sure, I like my San Miguel at dinner. But one is about it; two’s my limit. And that doesn’t allow me to get hammered enough to reduce the stress. If any of you drinkers has a suggestion about how I can increase my intake, please let me know.

I look forward to retirement for many reasons but the notion that it will reduce my stress is at the top of the list.

But still I look around the Philippines and see generally happy people and wonder – why aren’t they stressed to the max. Oh I know, there’s “high blood” in the Philippines, just like there is here. But you don’t see that “I wish I were dead” sort of strained face that many Americans go around displaying.

One more addendum. Last night, May 31st, I come home to find a letter from the IRS. They claim we owe a boatload of money. I stress and Janet says, “Don’t worry. Come sit next to me. You’ll figure it out.” And maybe I will; or pay them the boatload of money. Now where did I leave that San Miguel?

 

The Language Issue

One of the things that many expats to the Philippines want to do is to learn the language. Well, at least we say we want to; in reality once most of us have learned “San Miguel, salamat” our studies end. For me the language thing is a real challenge. I was a good student about 100 years ago but never came close to mastering the two foreign languages I studied for years. I’ll come back to one of those languages later.

Since Janet and I are planning to live in the Philippines and pretty damn soon, I have been trying to learn. The Philippines makes such an endeavor even more complex since there are so many separate languages spoken there. No, I am not talking about different dialects of the same language, but completely different languages. Fortunately Janet speaks Cebuano or Visayan, which is the dominant language in the central part of the Philippines, including Janet’s home of Cebu, as well as Dumaguete, Negros, where we will eventually find ourselves.

So, prior to our recent trip to the Philippines I did some work on language basics. Janet helped, though I sensed it was at times frustrating for her. I worked on simple stuff: please and thank you; good morning/afternoon/evening. That level of language. I also had some help from a new source: Dumaguete vblogger, Bud Brown. You can see him here: @ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqtDAUVhJQZzHsNi-XzzP7w

Bud is a sweet guy, even older than me, and I began to watch his adventures living in Dumaguete. But Bud has an advantage over most of us: he speaks Visayan and Tagalog (the language of Luzon) pretty well. Of course, he developed those skills though hard work and a 40 year relationship with his asawa, Gloria.

The point being, his videos show him speaking Visayan to local residents. For me I find it difficult to learn language via rote memorization and much easier to learn by watching and seeing the words used in context.

mga_tsinelas_56943

For example, one of the first words I learned though Bud is tchinelas – flip flops. He loves to give inexpensive tchinelas to local kids who don’t have any or whose tchinelas are worn to their end of life. Since I love wearing sandals and flip flops I mastered tchinelas, which is pronounced without the “t.” So, say it with me – chin-e-las. Very good, class. Salamat.

Janet and I quickly became fan’s of Bud’s videos and she began to quiz me based on some of the words I was learning.

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I tried as much as possible and I think people did appreciate it but I find that many Filipinos want to speak English to an American as much as I wanted to speak Visayan to a Filipino. So my maayong buntag would be answered with “good morning, sir.”

I also tried to throw in a smattering of kamusta ka, how are you, and when someone asked me  how I was, I answer maayo, good, because I didn’t know how to say, “OK – waiting for my next San Miguel.”

I did however learn that if you say, Okay lang, as often as possible you sound much more Filipino than if you just say, “okay.” So okay lang became my go to expression.

Our itinerary on this trip was a week in Alcoy, Cebu, a week in Dumaguete, and then a final week in Palawan. While I won’t say that my language skills improved significantly the first couple weeks, I did enjoy trying. We then arrived in Palawan. Unfortunately, Janet had failed to mention that they speak Tagalog in Palawan. So my maayong buntags  failed to elicit the proper response. “They speak Tagalog here,” Janet informed me.

“Tagalog? What good is that?”

“Well some words are the same,” she tried to assure me.

I spent the week mostly saying, “San Miguel, Salamat.”

Humorous, irreverent, occasionally informative look at a no longer newly wedded Fil-Am couple