It’s the middle of the Christmas Holiday and we’ve survived happily. We had a very pleasant barbecue dinner with friends at our new house on Christmas Eve, then went to another friends’ house for general celebration and midnight fireworks. On Christmas we went to a friends’ house for a wonderful, traditional Christmas dinner.

It seems like the most consistent topic of conversation between the expats was the changing of Dumaguete into Dramaguete. I was told from the start before moving to the Philippines that one of the biggest challenges I would face was not about getting along with Filipinos, but about dealing with the other expats.

Depending on who you listen to, Dumaguete has somewhere between 3000-5000 expats living here. I’m not talking about the tourists but the actual residents. Most are retired and therefore skew older. Most live on a pension of some sort. Most struggle to find meaningful things to do. And some (a few?) are pains in the ass.

Keyboard warriors dominate the FB groups and internet forums. Dare to say something positive about Dumaguete or its people, and you’re likely to be shouted down. Go to any expat gathering at your local watering hole and you’re likely to hear stories about fellow expats; who isn’t talking to who, who is suing who, or even who’s banging who’s wife or gf.

If I go into the local Robinsons or a bank, store or government office and I hear a loud commotion caused by a pissed off guy, I don’t even have to turn my head; I know it’s a foreigner.

Janet and I have only lived in Duma for 2 1/2 years, so we are far from experts. But whenever we go out, at some point we turn to each other, laugh and say, “Too many foreigners.”

Now some of this is human nature. In 1974 I moved to Portland, Oregon. From that point in the 70s to the present day, Portland has taken in a huge influx of people from all over the United States. After living there about ten years I viewed myself as a native and was mildly resentful of all the influx of Californians; “Californicating Oregon,” we called it.

It’s sort of become the same here. Whenever I hear the aforementioned expats yelling in public my ungenerous reaction is that I wish they would leave “my city.” Janet is more blunt. “They should get the fuck out.” As I say our view now that we have made Dumaguete home, is that that those that cause problems, yell and scream, or get drunk at 9:00AM would be much happier to do all of the above in their home country – or under a ton of concrete ala Jimmy Hoffa.

The same can be said about the Internet. I’ve given up, but I used to post pics with captions like “A beautiful day in Dumaguete,” only to get slammed because after all it’s too hot or there’s smoke or too many roosters, bad traffic, or whatever else is bothering people at that moment.

Dramaguete – that’s what it is.

Today, the day after Christmas, a friend of mine posted a comment on a FB group: “My Christmas Wish is Expats Remembering we are GUESTS HERE. We Are the Aliens. Philippines, Love It or Leave It…”

Dramaguete – You can imagine what many of the 50 comments were like.

Now again, complaint is a normal part of human life. But often here the complaint takes the form of ‘I am miserable and I want everyone else to be miserable too,’ or ‘I’m right and they (Filipinos) are wrong and it’s about time “they” listened to those of us that are right.’

In fact whenever I hear the “they” word in conversation I cringe a little. I want to remind the other person that “they” are citizens of the Philippines and “we” are not.

Going back to my Portland analogy, it took about 10 years to stop saying “they” (about Portlanders). Once I considered myself a Portlander and started saying “we” I found myself much happier in my environment.

So at this point Janet and I live in Dumaguete, we built a home in Dumaguete. In short we are Dumagueteños. For those who struggle with the language, culture or people of Dumaguete, I suggest you try to think of yourself as a Dumagueteño and forget the “us vs. them.” Your attitude and happiness itself might change.

When people consider expatting to the Philippines one area they focus on is learning to work harmoniously with Filipinos. It’s a different culture; one that the wise expat to be knows he will have to adjust to. They rarely think of how to work harmoniously with other foreigners. They should! Years ago, as I researched the possibility of moving to the Philippines, I befriended a guy online who had been living in the Philippines for a number of years. He generously advised me. His blunt assessment? “The biggest problem you will have in the Philippines is with other expats.” While “other expats” have not been the biggest problem we have had since we moved to Dumaguete, it’s near the top of the list.

Now mind you I am at an age where having a large number of friends is not a high priority but I certainly wanted a few. Friendships can come in many categories. There are the ‘get together occasionally and hoist a few’ type of friends (I’m frankly not a big hoister), there are the ‘friends who bond over a common interest or hobby’, and then there are the ‘couples friends’. As a married expat the latter is a particularly important category to me. Perhaps even more important are the friends ‘I can call when the car dies’; you know – the guy you can rely on.

Filipinos view expats as all relating easily to one another. After all they see foreigners chatting together at the various watering holes. Many such expats joke about or complain about the fact that Filipinos can’t tell the difference between an American, an Australian, a Brit, German, etc.

But it’s sort of a problem for me. I have friends and acquaintances who are from the UK, Australia, Germany, Belgium, etc. I even have a friend whose both from the UK and Australia; still trying to figure out which aspects of his character come from which culture. Let’s just say that despite our shared white skin, we are different.

And then there are the Americans. I spent 43 years in the Northwest after growing up in the Northeast. Here in Duma I have American friends from New England, the South, Texas, California, Arizona, etc. Yep, we’re all Americans, but we sure as hell ain’t the same.

Sometimes guys befriend guys from their home country. You see groups at the various foreigner watering holes and often those groups congregate based on country and language: a table of Germans speaking German, Englishmen speaking English and Americans speaking – well whatever the hell language we speak.

And sometimes, just as with Filipinos, language differences create misunderstandings, even arguments. There was the time I complimented a guy on the quality of the restaurant/bar he owned, which I called a “simple” straight-forward bar. He didn’t like the word “simple” and I spent quite a while trying to explain why to an American a “simple” bar is a very good thing.

There are topics I avoid with guys from other cultures. Soccer vs. football, which is what rest of the world incorrectly calls it 🙂

I liked the film ‘Invictus’ but that’s my only positive interaction with rugby. And no, Australian Football is not Football. Anyone can see that. But as I say, I stay away from those remarks in public lol.

Speaking of films, I’m a film nut and have been my whole life. I have thousands of films in my library. When I suggested to a couple English friends that we do a movie night at my place and watch a classic, they both said they didn’t watch movies. When I mentioned to another Englishman that Janet and I had just seen the latest action hit at the theater at Robinsons he said, as if it was a badge of honour, that he’d never been to the theater and never would. Made me sort of wonder how Daniel Craig and Sean Connery learned to act.

I also learned long before the current bizarre climate that to have friends I stay away from political discussions. That said, there’s nothing more entertaining that watching 60-something Americans throwing (and missing) swings at each other over political disagreements. Other foreigners simply don’t understand. I’ve heard often, “Dave, you’re the only American I know who doesn’t want to talk American politics.” “It’s boring,” I reply. “And so is Brexit.”

So the reality is that if you want foreigner friends you are going to make friends from different cultures. It’s cool, sometimes exciting, and often a pain in the ass.

If I think about it, when I lived in Portland I had a number of friends I had known for decades. I even had a friend I went to college with in New York City, meaning we’d known each other for over 45 years.

Each year, being not the super social type I might add a friend or two. I also would lose a friend or two, either through someone relocating, dying or just growing apart.

When Janet moved to Portland and we married I added many new friends; the male half of Fil-Am couples we met. But this explosion in new friends was an aberration not the norm for me.

I arrived in Dumaguete knowing a couple of guys just a little bit. We had a once a month beer drinking group based on a forum we all belonged to. A varied and good group of guys and I still go to the monthly meetings when I am available.

Some of those guys I see more than just once a month but others I only see at that monthly meeting. I like catching up with them and go away thinking ‘I wish I could see that guy more often,’ but generally forget that determination within a few minutes.

Nonetheless, despite my busy yet lazy retired life, and despite my general unsociability, I have made a few friends. We just hosted Thanksgiving in our new house and Janet made a spectacular turkey with all the trimmings for three other couples. Had we been a little more settled (we’d moved in less than three weeks before) we probably would have invited a few other couples, but the 10 or 11 people who were there were enough for now and were treated to a great meal.

So it’s been over two years and while I do have a few friends, and even a couple guys in that ‘I can call if the car dies’ category, I can’t help but think of a couple friends that faded away – and one that exploded.

There was the one American who we hung out with a handful of times and seemed very cool. We shared guitars in common. One day I realised I hadn’t seen any Facebook postings from him in a while, so visited his FB page to see whether I had missed anything, only to discover he’d unfriended me. No conversation or explanation – nothing. I wracked my brain to see if there had been anything said in a previous conversation that might be off putting and could think of nothing. Janet saw him 6 months later on the street and said he looked gaunt and older.

And then there was the Englishman and his Filipina partner. We’d gotten fairly close over the course of a couple years and the two girls got together regularly to share and probably console each other.

Over the course of the last year both Janet and I had become a bit less thrilled with the male part of the couple, but not enough to end the friendship, just enough to know that it would remain casual and not go deeper; IOW not a ‘call when the car dies’ sort of trust.

Both Janet and I on separate occasions said something to him that although honest and respectful, he didn’t like. About a week later he sent me a Messenger message saying that he and his partner could no longer be friends with us. I crafted a response but by the time I hit send, discovered that he’d not only unfriended us on FB but had blocked me as well.

More significantly the female partner unfriended Janet. I figure the guy probably convinced her to cut ties. Janet misses her and I suspect she misses Janet as well. The girls are far younger than me and need connection more than I do. I just shrugged my shoulders and threw out a couple “what an asshole” epithets (I’m sure I said worse). The whole blocking thing is bizarre but the social media has changed the nature of relationships and not for the better IMO.

So I move on. I have my monthly beer friends, I play golf weekly with a couple of buddies, have a handful of guitar friends, and this week we will host a house blessing/house warming for friends and family, and I am sure I will be reminded that I do know a number of good guys in Dumaguete.

But even those good guys agree – there’s plenty of asshole expats out there, so be careful.

BTW, the above pic doesn’t have much to do with the topic but they all do look like friends – lol. Oh and did I mention how many foreigners lose friends and even take swings at each other over politics?

While I have a lot to say (complain about) when it comes to building a house in the Philippines, this may not be the right time and place to do it. It’s been an exceedingly difficult, stressful and expensive job. If anybody ever hears me considering doing it again by all means hit me upside the head with the nearest heavy object.

But while I won’t yet reveal all the dirty details (and dirty they are) I can tell you a few tips that we have learned the hard way.

Ordering, Buying, Purchasing or Paying – or the Wet Market Approach

We have had innumerable arguments with our contractor centering around these terms. Here’s a couple of examples. “Sir, I need x amount this month for the concrete, or steel, or iron, or tiles” – you name it. As an American I assume this means he is buying it all. Nope. He would excitedly tell me later. “I bought the X.” The X would arrive and we would be excited; progress was being made. Unfortunately a week later a worker or the foreman would tell us. “We are out of X.” “What do you mean?” I would yell. “We bought all of X.” Um, not quite. I don’t think there was ever a time where all of something was purchased. 25% maybe, 10% possibly, 50% unlikely, 100% never.

I think of this as the Wet Market Approach. Millions of Filipinos shop at the wet market daily, either because they don’t have enough money to buy food for long term or they don’t have enough refrigeration. I discovered our contractor worked similarly. He bought enough to start a portion of the project but never enough to complete it.

The other common scenario was the difference between the terminologies I listed above. Often our contractor would excitedly indicate he had bought something. But often what he really meant is he had ordered it but not paid for it. Sometimes he meant that he’d neither ordered or paid for something but simply talked to someone about an upcoming order.

A few weeks would go by and he would tell me the item in question had arrived. ‘Great,’ I thought. One more thing done. But then the reality would be communicated. “I need X amount of Pesos to pick it up.” “But didn’t you tell me that my last month’s payment was to purchase that?” “Yes,” he’d say. “But I had to use that money for more concrete.”

So if you are foolish enough (like I was) to have your contractor do the purchasing, make sure you understand the difference between what he ordered (or not ordered) and what was actually paid for.

Speaking of purchasing or expenditures in general always question the actual costs you are being quoted. No, I am not talking about lying or cheating, though that can happen too. I am talking about the natural desire to underestimate what things cost so as not to worry you, the excitable foreigner. Of course, eventually you do find out and go ballistic.

Pakyaw

Pakyaw is a term that refers to a fixed price agreement. Most foreigners know the term in reference to trike drivers. If you want to take a trike to a place off the beaten path, the driver will consider it a hire or pakyaw and you will negotiate a flat rate.

In the case of our project several skilled workers were hired on a pakyaw basis to complete a specific part of the project. There are some advantages. If the worker doesn’t work particularly hard or doesn’t work at all on a particular day, no problem; he gets paid a fixed rate for the completion of his piece of the project.

The problem is that the pakyaw person still wants to eat. So if he contracts to do a pakyaw that he estimates will take two weeks to complete, on about the third day he will come to you and ask for an advance on his payment. In several cases long before the pakyaw was done, most of the money had been paid out. The pakyaw guys says “Don’t worry. I am here. I will finish.” But in fact he may not finish till he absolutely has too.

Last week I had just such a situation. A pakyaw worker and his assistant had completed over 3/4 of a job but it still wasn’t finished. The job was to pay him 9000P and I had already advanced him 4000P. It was Saturday afternoon at 3:30. He wanted his pay or at least another advance. I wanted the job completed. “I will only pay you when the job is complete. I can meet you tonight or Sunday morning. when the work is done” After a bit of grumbling the pakyaw guy said, “We can be finished by 5:00.” “OK,” I said. “I will be back at 5:00. If you’re finished I will pay you. If not – not.”

I preceded to rush Janet to the ferry and then rush back to the lot. All the while I was wondering what I would find at 5:00. I also was nervous about what I might find. I might have a couple of pissed off guys expecting to get paid. But I had dug my heels in and decided I would not pay until completion and that was that.

I arrived at 5:10. The guys were sitting and smoking. They proudly showed me that the work was done. I happily paid the balance and remarked, “Tanduay tonight?” “Red Horse,” was the reply and I breathed a sigh of relief. Yep, I’m a 66 year old, 5’6″ badass lol.

The other problem with pakyaw is the other workers will quickly find out and they too will want a fat juicy pakyaw. So avoid these pakyaw situations if you can.

Plywood Will Save You Money

Since Philippines construction is concrete you rarely see the built-in closets common in the US. Closets (if there are any) are cabinetry separate from the concrete walls. We wanted closets and decided to have them in all four bedrooms, with the master bedroom having the largest. Even though I am a big time wood and woodworking guy, our contractor convinced us that plywood closets would save money and they could be painted to look as good as hardwood. The same reasoning was used for the kitchen cabinetry and we bought into it. It’s nonsense.

First of all marine plywood in the Philippines is not cheap, so you really don’t save that much. Secondly, it took a carpenter two weeks to build the four closets. It is currently taking a painter and his assistant two weeks to paint the closets and they’re not done. And in the end – it’s still plywood and no amount of paint will change that. I don’t even want to know what I paid for these things and the weeks of man hours we lost.

The kitchen situation was worse. The cabinetry would be plywood. The contractor assured us the cabinet doors would look just as good as high end stuff. I told him I doubted that he had any workers skilled enough to make good quality kitchen cabinet doors. In the end we purchased the doors from a Home Depot type store. They will look decent painted, an effort that has not begun yet.

So if your contractor tells you how he will be saving you money, question it! It isn’t just an issue of getting what you want; it may not save you any money at all.

Are Your Workers Getting Paid?

In any endeavor, labor is the most important thing. Take care of your workers. A couple weeks ago an acquaintance of mine whose house was also being built by my contractor messaged me. “My workers are not getting paid all of their money and now many want to quit. Are your workers getting paid?” I responded, “No one’s complained so they must be.” The next morning Janet and I went to our lot and asked each worker directly. We found out that each and every worker was owed something. That week we took over all the payroll functions and ended up paying out nearly the equivalent of two weeks worth of pay.

I’m not sure which is weirder; the fact that the contractor hadn’t paid his crew and hid it or the fact that the crew hadn’t even complained about it. Bottom line is we made it clear that everyone would get paid and paid on time from now on.

Like I said at the beginning there’s more to say in the future. But for now if you are considering building a house in the Philippines, think again. If you still want to do it, heed my advise and the advise to come in the next couple of blogs. I estimate our project is 80% done. Hopefully the final 20% won’t kill me 🙂