When people consider expatting to the Philippines one area they focus on is learning to work harmoniously with Filipinos. It’s a different culture; one that the wise expat to be knows he will have to adjust to. They rarely think of how to work harmoniously with other foreigners. They should! Years ago, as I researched the possibility of moving to the Philippines, I befriended a guy online who had been living in the Philippines for a number of years. He generously advised me. His blunt assessment? “The biggest problem you will have in the Philippines is with other expats.” While “other expats” have not been the biggest problem we have had since we moved to Dumaguete, it’s near the top of the list.

Now mind you I am at an age where having a large number of friends is not a high priority but I certainly wanted a few. Friendships can come in many categories. There are the ‘get together occasionally and hoist a few’ type of friends (I’m frankly not a big hoister), there are the ‘friends who bond over a common interest or hobby’, and then there are the ‘couples friends’. As a married expat the latter is a particularly important category to me. Perhaps even more important are the friends ‘I can call when the car dies’; you know – the guy you can rely on.

Filipinos view expats as all relating easily to one another. After all they see foreigners chatting together at the various watering holes. Many such expats joke about or complain about the fact that Filipinos can’t tell the difference between an American, an Australian, a Brit, German, etc.

But it’s sort of a problem for me. I have friends and acquaintances who are from the UK, Australia, Germany, Belgium, etc. I even have a friend whose both from the UK and Australia; still trying to figure out which aspects of his character come from which culture. Let’s just say that despite our shared white skin, we are different.

And then there are the Americans. I spent 43 years in the Northwest after growing up in the Northeast. Here in Duma I have American friends from New England, the South, Texas, California, Arizona, etc. Yep, we’re all Americans, but we sure as hell ain’t the same.

Sometimes guys befriend guys from their home country. You see groups at the various foreigner watering holes and often those groups congregate based on country and language: a table of Germans speaking German, Englishmen speaking English and Americans speaking – well whatever the hell language we speak.

And sometimes, just as with Filipinos, language differences create misunderstandings, even arguments. There was the time I complimented a guy on the quality of the restaurant/bar he owned, which I called a “simple” straight-forward bar. He didn’t like the word “simple” and I spent quite a while trying to explain why to an American a “simple” bar is a very good thing.

There are topics I avoid with guys from other cultures. Soccer vs. football, which is what rest of the world incorrectly calls it 🙂

I liked the film ‘Invictus’ but that’s my only positive interaction with rugby. And no, Australian Football is not Football. Anyone can see that. But as I say, I stay away from those remarks in public lol.

Speaking of films, I’m a film nut and have been my whole life. I have thousands of films in my library. When I suggested to a couple English friends that we do a movie night at my place and watch a classic, they both said they didn’t watch movies. When I mentioned to another Englishman that Janet and I had just seen the latest action hit at the theater at Robinsons he said, as if it was a badge of honour, that he’d never been to the theater and never would. Made me sort of wonder how Daniel Craig and Sean Connery learned to act.

I also learned long before the current bizarre climate that to have friends I stay away from political discussions. That said, there’s nothing more entertaining that watching 60-something Americans throwing (and missing) swings at each other over political disagreements. Other foreigners simply don’t understand. I’ve heard often, “Dave, you’re the only American I know who doesn’t want to talk American politics.” “It’s boring,” I reply. “And so is Brexit.”

So the reality is that if you want foreigner friends you are going to make friends from different cultures. It’s cool, sometimes exciting, and often a pain in the ass.

If I think about it, when I lived in Portland I had a number of friends I had known for decades. I even had a friend I went to college with in New York City, meaning we’d known each other for over 45 years.

Each year, being not the super social type I might add a friend or two. I also would lose a friend or two, either through someone relocating, dying or just growing apart.

When Janet moved to Portland and we married I added many new friends; the male half of Fil-Am couples we met. But this explosion in new friends was an aberration not the norm for me.

I arrived in Dumaguete knowing a couple of guys just a little bit. We had a once a month beer drinking group based on a forum we all belonged to. A varied and good group of guys and I still go to the monthly meetings when I am available.

Some of those guys I see more than just once a month but others I only see at that monthly meeting. I like catching up with them and go away thinking ‘I wish I could see that guy more often,’ but generally forget that determination within a few minutes.

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Nonetheless, despite my busy yet lazy retired life, and despite my general unsociability, I have made a few friends. We just hosted Thanksgiving in our new house and Janet made a spectacular turkey with all the trimmings for three other couples. Had we been a little more settled (we’d moved in less than three weeks before) we probably would have invited a few other couples, but the 10 or 11 people who were there were enough for now and were treated to a great meal.

So it’s been over two years and while I do have a few friends, and even a couple guys in that ‘I can call if the car dies’ category, I can’t help but think of a couple friends that faded away – and one that exploded.

There was the one American who we hung out with a handful of times and seemed very cool. We shared guitars in common. One day I realised I hadn’t seen any Facebook postings from him in a while, so visited his FB page to see whether I had missed anything, only to discover he’d unfriended me. No conversation or explanation – nothing. I wracked my brain to see if there had been anything said in a previous conversation that might be off putting and could think of nothing. Janet saw him 6 months later on the street and said he looked gaunt and older.

And then there was the Englishman and his Filipina partner. We’d gotten fairly close over the course of a couple years and the two girls got together regularly to share and probably console each other.

Over the course of the last year both Janet and I had become a bit less thrilled with the male part of the couple, but not enough to end the friendship, just enough to know that it would remain casual and not go deeper; IOW not a ‘call when the car dies’ sort of trust.

Both Janet and I on separate occasions said something to him that although honest and respectful, he didn’t like. About a week later he sent me a Messenger message saying that he and his partner could no longer be friends with us. I crafted a response but by the time I hit send, discovered that he’d not only unfriended us on FB but had blocked me as well.

More significantly the female partner unfriended Janet. I figure the guy probably convinced her to cut ties. Janet misses her and I suspect she misses Janet as well. The girls are far younger than me and need connection more than I do. I just shrugged my shoulders and threw out a couple “what an asshole” epithets (I’m sure I said worse). The whole blocking thing is bizarre but the social media has changed the nature of relationships and not for the better IMO.

So I move on. I have my monthly beer friends, I play golf weekly with a couple of buddies, have a handful of guitar friends, and this week we will host a house blessing/house warming for friends and family, and I am sure I will be reminded that I do know a number of good guys in Dumaguete.

But even those good guys agree – there’s plenty of asshole expats out there, so be careful.

BTW, the above pic doesn’t have much to do with the topic but they all do look like friends – lol. Oh and did I mention how many foreigners lose friends and even take swings at each other over politics?