Janet pressed me recently on what I intended to do in retirement. “Do? What do I have to do? It’s called retirement,” I replied.

But there is no question that one of the reasons I started this blog was because I knew that as a faux writer it would be one thing that I would enjoy doing in my Philippines old age. But that answer wasn’t quite enough for Janet.

“What about writing books?” she asked. In fact, I reminded her, I have a novel or two I might want to clean up and self-publish online. I also have a book of humorous and slightly dirty autobiographical stories that I definitely want to publish. I describe the style as sort of like David Sedaris, but dirtier and a little bit less – well, gay. But I decided to wait on that till I left the country – just in case.

I have also thought often of writing a funny yet reality-based book about how to find a Filipina wife. In all honestly I think it should be easy to find a nice girl in the Philippines but since so many guys report only finding bad ones it is clear that there is a real need for any guidance I can give. I expect a book will be in the offing and Janet is already planning on how we should spend the vast number of pesos it will make. It should certainly pay for our monthly trike budget.

But since the book is not yet here, I decided to write yet another blog piece on online dating, but this time I am going to target it toward those guys who are looking to find the fun girl, the sketchy girl, the bad girl, since obvious that’s what so many guys must really want.

So, based on some conversations with Westerners who consistently are drawn to the dark side, here are my tips on how to find a really, really bad (though probably a really, really fun) Filipina. Needless to say, my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek.

1. Avoid churches and colleges:  Just because most Filipinas are Catholic does not mean there are no bad girls out there. Girls that will put out on the first date. Girls that realize that the word missionary does not only refer to what they intend to do after college. And definitely girls that have experienced more positions in life than missionary.

So, by all means avoid meeting girls in churches. Yes, it is true that you could meet your dream bad girl in church, but the odds aren’t good and the local priest might be a poor source for referrals.

Same with college and university girls. These girls may talk flirty but they are too busy studying and working 60 hours a week putting themselves through school to give you what you truly desire.

Of course, Janet did have a good friend in school who managed to work, graduate, and sleep with everyone in pants. Janet was never sure where she found the time to do it all. An IT major, apparently she was very good at multi-tasking 🙂

2. Avoid mall clerks: Many very attractive girls work in the malls. As I have said before, discrimination is alive and well in the Philippines and all mall clerks are required to be attractive and under 30. So while that may appear to make malls a target rich environment, avoid them like the plaque. The girls work 6 days and 50-60 hours/week. And while they might be very happy to go out with you on their next day off, since that doesn’t come until after your two-week sex tour is over, the sweet and pretty mall girl just isn’t for you.
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3. Avoid girls from the provinces: Just as with the mall girls, this recommendation is more about logistics than anything else. You are in the Philippines for a week or two and your goal is to – well, “experience” as much of the culture as you can. So, do you really have time to travel hours to the provinces in hot buses with sweaty passengers? And when you do arrive you will have to waste more of your precious time meeting and interacting with her family, where you will actually be asked those uncomfortable personal questions you wish to avoid, especially the ones with the “M” word.

So, stick to Manila, Cebu or Angeles and avoid those pesky provincial marital questions.

4. Stay away from poor, simple Pinays: Sophisticate that you are, do you really want a girl that cannot share your excitement about your new Bimmer, iphone, or high end gaming system? You want her to understand and share your Western notions, values, and particularly your Western goods, right?  The poor Pinay may be good at telling you where to buy sacks of rice or lechon for the best price, but your upscale Pinay can tell you where to get the latest iphone – the one that hasn’t even been released in the Philippines yet – and the one that she “really, really, please, please, please” needs!

So, stick to the rich girls. The poor girl will actually hope you buy a sack of rice for her family, which is not quite as exciting as what you have in mind.

5. Only search for online dating profiles of girls who post pics in bikinis or wear tattoos: Actually this rule is changing a bit. When I searched online 4 years ago, it was sort of an unwritten rule that only the bad girls posted bikini shots and wore real (not henna) tattoos. Now this is changing. Hell, even Janet posts bikini pics on Facebook.

Nonetheless, for a good time, I would recommend those tatted and well bikinied girls. Stay away from the conservatively dressed; they know all about that damn “M” word. You have been warned!

6. If she wants to take you to church – run: If the girl asks you to visit a church with her, promising a fun time, she might just be wasting your time. When we met in Cebu, Janet immediately wanted to show me the famous Santo Nino Church. It’s actually a very nice site (see pic above), but if you are on a short schedule and looking for action, this is the kind of girl to avoid.

OTOH, a year before meeting Janet I did get to know a bad girl who also insisted that we visit Santo Nino Church. So, be careful because even a bad girl can pretend to be good. Have I confused you yet?

7. Do not assume that a girl who looks hot and nasty is, well, hot and nasty: In the West if you spot a girl in a tight top, wearing short- shorts, well made up, and wearing very high heels or platform shoes, you can assume she wishes to have fun (hopefully with you) or is on her way to her job as a streetwalker. In the Philippines she is probably also on her way to her job – in the aforementioned mall, after which she will go to church for midnight mass. And she wants to take you.

P.S. Apparently some readers do not understand the concept of “tongue in cheek.” Even my lovely Janet knew right away that I was being “sarcastic Dave” with this piece. So, if you found yourself infuriated by my terrible advise, please read again. We’ll all wait for you to catch up 🙂